Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
