too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
