Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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