My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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