Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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