my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
