2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
