new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
