i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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