WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
