So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
