I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
