Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
