The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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