I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
