I can text with my tongue
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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