just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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