Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
