I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
