I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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