We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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