Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
