I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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