I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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