Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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