Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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