my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
