I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
