I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
