You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
