Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
