Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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