the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i think im in europe. pls send help
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
