Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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