i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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