I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
