We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
