I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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