I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
