Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She bit a glass in half.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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