I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
