Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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