Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Even the bartender felt bad for me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
