I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
