Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I deserve this hangover.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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