Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
