You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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