I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
