You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
