Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
