Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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