who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
