So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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