you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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