I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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