when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
