Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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