I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
wakey wakey hands off snakey
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
