sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
