stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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