she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
