I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
