Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
