I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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