somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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