I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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